8 May 2013

Eurovision Song Contest 2013 Preview

It's Tuesday night. It's 22:55 BST at the moment. I should probably be sleeping. But I'm not for two reasons. Firstly, there's a bunch of plebs causing a disturbance. Secondly, I am too excited about the musical hobby more people should admit to having: Eurovision. I promised to write about it.

Semi Final 1: Tuesday 14 May 2013, 2000 BST.

01 AUSTRIA

Natália Kelly is performing "Shine" for Austria. Apparently, we will 'shine, shine, and find the shadows in the sky' - it's bloody hard to do! The song is a decent power ballad. A tad too clichéd for my liking.

02 ESTONIA

Yep, for the second year in a row, Estonia are sending a drab ballad. I hated "Kuula" and I loathe "Et Uus Saaks Alguse", performed by Birgit. Drab, dull, instantly forgettable, and it's only been put at the beginning by the producers (no random draw this year) to stop people dozing off already.

03 SLOVENIA

This song, "Straight Into Love", is performed by Hannah. It's a direct contrast to Estonia. It's a "dubstep song", so I find it too modern. Next!

04 CROATIA

Croatia. Terrible at football, terrible at Eurovision. Strangely, they actually take it VERY seriously. So, in something Iran has called a 'gay parade' (that's Eurovision, not Croatia), they're sending Klapa s Mora to perform "Mizerja" - Misery when translated. A tedious ballad. Groan.

05 DENMARK

Denmark, the hot favourites, are sending some drums, a faulty recorder, and a singer who can't make up her mind whether or not to wear anti-wrinkle cream. She looks 15 in the song, 49 in an interview on Monday. The song, "Only Teardrops", is a lot like "Should've Known Better", which I loved, and no one else did. A lot like the 2005 Tory manifesto. Good luck, Denmark, just don't win too easily.

06 RUSSIA

It's a big comedown from grannies - this time it's some socialist propaganda. Dina Garapova is performing ANOTHER ballad, "What If", which basically calls for nuclear disarmament. Nope. Next!

07 UKRAINE

The big disappointment of 2012 is trying to rectify things with Zlata Ognevich's "Gravity". That woman is so thin, she doesn't have any. I have enough gravity to rotate her around me, and I'm not that fat... The song is a lot of warbling with Es and D#s. Ballad. Again.

08 THE NETHERLANDS

 In serious danger of doing quite well. "Birds", performed by Anouk, is a minimalist ballad, described by comedian David Morgan as something for the Blair Wits Project.

09 MONTENEGRO

If you speak Montenegrin and have a dirty mind, then you'll love this rap song. The rest of us loathe it. It's performed by Who See. No, not an army of Doctor Who fans, an annoying rap duo.

10 LITHUANIA

Drab.

11 BELARUS

They made us wait for it, but, finally, Eurovision has arrived. "Solayoh" is pure Eurovision, and yes, it is in English. Up tempo, a stupid dance routine, catchy, oriental, what more could you ask for? Oh yes, an explanation as to why Norwegian winner Alexander Rybak is in your video, please. Oh, and 12 points to the UK.

12 MOLDOVA

"O Mie" is a decent song, but, strangely for an up tempo song, it becomes quite boing after a few listens. I don't speak Romanian, so if anyone could tell me what it's about, that would be great.

13 IRELAND

In a song obviously composed before 21 December, Ryan Dolan is telling us how 'when the worlds collide, don't be afraid. If it's the end of time, then love will remain.' Yep, it's YOLO, the musical sequel to Malta 2011, "One Life" - "Only Love Survives".

14 CYPRUS
"An Me Thimase" (just say "I made tea myself") is, due to budget cuts, the same song as Estonia's.

15 BELGIUM

I love "Love Kills", no one else does.

16 SERBIA

Yaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! Ljubav je Svuuuuuuudaaaaaaaaa! I love this.

Semi Final 2: Thursday 16 May, 2000 BST.

01 LATVIA

"Here We Go" is decent, PeR aren't.

02 SAN MARINO

Remember 'uh oh oh uh oh oh uh oh uh oh uh oh uh oh uh oh beep beep' last year, where Valentina Monetta told us she was still on dial-up? She's trying again. No, don't move on, it's really good! I love "Crisalide (Vola)", even though I can't understand a word of it. This is a really versatile song, and I love it. It's a ballad and a dance all in one. Good luck!

03 F.Y.R. MACEDONIA

One of those songs which start off serious... then turns cheesy. Even too cheesy for me.

04 AZERBAIJAN

Farid Mudhamov wants to be put in a cardboard box, it seems, as in this ballad, he tells us to 'Hold me, just fold me, I'll share my soul, if you love me there so hold me, just fold me...' Yep, it's "Hold Me".

05 FINLAND

This is really controversial. "Marry Me" is one of my favourites, but, in protest for gay marriage, Krista Siegfrieds will be performing a lesbian kiss on stage.

06 MALTA

ARGH! THE TWEEDIEST THING EVER!!!! HATS! KNITWEAR! UKELELES! INSTAGRAM FILTERS! MODELS DRESSED UP AS NERDS! ARGH!!!!!!!! Lyrically, this is awful. The lyrics are a plot of a Jennifer Allison film. You know, the one with Ben Stiller in it. Don't watch it, it's awful.

07 BULGARIA

It's the Olympics in Eurovision - Elista and Stoyan, who represented Bulgaria in 2007 with "Water" and came fifth, are trying again, but I think they will suffer from second season syndrome - "Samo Shampioni" is awful.

08 ICELAND

Eypor Ingi Gunnlaugsson is performing "Ég Á Líf" for Iceland. It's a lot like UK 2012 - "Love Will Set You Free", so I love it. No one else will.

09 GREECE

Greece are, due to budget cuts, taking their song, "Alcohol is Free", literally. Maybe you could start charging for it and put some taxes on it? That would save your economy. As well as cutting your HUGE deficit.

10 ISRAEL

"Rak Bishvilo" is performed by Moran Mazor. I was too distracted by her HUGE cleavage in the official video.

11 ARMENIA

I hate "Lonely Planet". I hope Dorians stays lonely.

12 HUNGARY

Snooze test. ""Kedvesem" is uber-cool, sick, bruv, wowziz, totes shamazeballs, yeah, like, innit, bruv, yeah!" is how one person put it. I think that means ""Kedvesem" is really good, brilliant, brother - wow! It's totally amazing, yes, like isn't it, brother, yes!" (no idea). This person is mental. #goodgrammarsaveslives. The review is also awful.

13 NORWAY

Margaret Berger is performing "I Feed You My Love". It's very good. I have no idea what it tastes like, though.

14 ALBANIA

This is a typical rock song. Next!

15 GEORGIA

A beautiful ballad written by Swedish writers (why!?). I like this a lot.

16 SWITZERLAND

"You and Me" is another typical rock song, featuring a 94-year-old cellist.

17 ROMANIA

"It's My Life" is an all-in-one song. Opera, dance beat, a "paedo face", terrible harmonisation, terrible dancing...

AUTOMATIC QUALIFIERS TO THE GRAND FINAL

FRANCE

"L'Enfer et Moi" is drab.

GERMANY

"Glorious" created all sorts of headlines, because it was accused of plagiarism of "Euphoria". The EBU cleared it but it's still a favourite amongst Eurofans.

ITALY

I hate "L'Essenziale", everyone else loves it.

SPAIN

"Contigo Hasta El Final" is ANOTHER drab ballad.

16 SWEDEN

"You" is performed by Robin Stjernberg and is a hot favourite, having already gone number one in Sweden. They could do the unthinkable and win twice in a row.

UNITED KINGDOM

"Believe in Me" is peformed by Bonnie Tyler and it's amazing. It makes "Love Will Set You Free" deserve 25th place! It's actually amazing, and it's top 10 in most polls. We are the dark horses - which Azerbaijan 2011 was (and it won). Believe in Bonnie!

So, qualifiers from the semi finals as predictions, in no particular order:

Semi Final 1:

RUSSIA
SERBIA
DENMARK
MOLDOVA
UKRAINE
CYPRUS
THE NETHERLANDS
IRELAND
BELARUS
AUSTRIA

Semi Final 2:

AZERBAIJAN
GEORGIA
FINLAND
ISRAEL
ICELAND
ROMANIA
SAN MARINO
ALBANIA
GREECE
NORWAY

Good luck to everybody. Including Hungary. And Malta. And France.

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