12 August 2013

Eurovision Song Contest 2013 - Thoughts and Reflection

Let's do this in reverse order, then. We've ranked them by non-qualifiers on points, then the final order.

39th place - Slovenia (SF1), 8 points: 

1x5 (Croatia);
1x3 (Montenegro).

"Straight into laaaaaarve..."
"Straight Into Love" found it hard to be loved by the viewers, especially since Hannah's performance was reminiscent of Suus last year. Dubstep and Eurovision do not mix, especially when you add taking off masks as a dance move. While the dancers were incredibly fit (press-ups on stage!) and the dance moves were quite decent, it didn't click for Europe, even if the glass did click. And then crack.

38th place - Cyprus (SF1), 11 points:


2x3 (Serbia, United Kingdom);
2x2 (Belgium, Estonia);
1x1 (Austria).

"I made tea myself" - whoops,
sorry - "an me thimasi"
Singing it incredibly badly, making "An Me Thimasi" sound like 'I made tea myself', Despina Olympiou tried to actually make this rather non-descript ballad sound interesting, but it was a toilet break for most casual viewers.

37th place - Latvia (SF2), 13 points:


1x7 (Georgia);
1x3 (Iceland);
1x2 (F.Y.R. Macedonia);
1x1 (Switzerland).

Here we stop.
Points for "Here We Go" were hard to come by (Switzerland, really!?). Performed by PeR (well, we say performed, they actually tried to get the crowd to do all the work), the lights were off-putting, plus, wait for it... an iPad on stage. Not quite the computer screens of UK 1996 (bear in mind how big computers were then!), mind you. They tried a stage dive but the main singer forgot his shirt and slapped on a silver cardigan instead, which made him show off his rather uninteresting torso.

36th place - Austria (SF1), 27 points:


3x4 (Croatia, Denmark, Ireland);
2x3 (Belgium, Moldova);
3x2 (Cyprus, Italy, Serbia);
3x1 (Estonia, Slovenia, United Kingdom).

Apparently, "you" will shine.
"You" seems to be the lights.
A shock that "Shine" didn't get through for most people. Many considered it one of the best ballads in the competition (although we disagreed), but going first really hurt its chances. The staging was a bit bland as well. Natália Kelly sung it really well and a Simon Lazenby-lookalike was a backing singer. Can't work out why it's only 36th? Nor can we!

35th place - F.Y.R. Macedonia (SF2), 28 points:


1x12 (Albania);
2x5 (Bulgaria, Malta);
1x4 (Switzerland);
1x2 (San Marino).

F.Y.R. Macedonia go bollywood.
The genuine 'laugh-out-loud' moment from Eurovision 2013 (in the competitive section) came with Esma's entrance, as she started warbling her way on stage in Macedonian. Can't work out why Albania gave it 12 points. Perhaps they mis-dialled (FYROM was song 03), intending to vote for infinitely better San Marino (song 02)? The song? "Pred Da Se Razdeni". The singers? Esma and Loranzo. They dropped "Imperija" for this. Bad mistake.

34th place - Albania (SF2), 31 points:


1x10 (F.Y.R. Macedonia);
1x8 (Greece);
1x6 (San Marino);
1x5 (Switzerland);
1x2 (Azerbaijan).

Watch it, you.
A moderately decent song but not enough places for "Identitet" to get in the final. Adrian Lulgjuraj and Bledar Seko will be disappointed. Going 14th didn't help, as "Identitet" is a sort of show-opener. It was your average rock song.

33rd place - Croatia (SF1), 38 points:


1x10 (Serbia);
1x6 (Ukraine);
2x5 (Austria, Montenegro);
1x4 (Russia);
1x3 (The Netherlands);
1x2 (Slovenia);
3x1 (Cyprus, Ireland, Lithuania).

It's a "mizerja" if you have to
watch this twice.
This acapella song, "Mizerja", literally translates into English as, yes, you guessed it, "misery". The song was miserable. It was dull, and Klapa s Mora made it as good as it can be, which was still dire. We cannot believe that some people managed to vote for it. NEXT!

32nd place - Israel (SF2), 40 points:


2x6 (Armenia, Azerbaijan);
1x5 (Georgia);
3x4 (Bulgaria, France, Germany);
2x3 (Albania, Spain);
2x2 (Finland; Romania);
1x1 (Iceland).

Put it away. There may be children
watching.
Israel suffered the same fate as Albania. "Rak Bishvilo" wasn't bad, especially when performed by Moran Mazor. Even with that huge cleavage. But, in Semi Final 2, it didn't receive enough support to get through.

31st place - Montenegro (SF1), 41 points:


1x12 (Serbia);
1x8 (Ukraine);
2x6 (Croatia, Moldova);
1x5 (Denmark);
2x2 (Belarus, Sweden).

Montenegro have landed.
"Igranka" was pure Eurovision. Rapping astronauts, high-note warbing, Who See going "oh" a lot of the time, and they didn't get through. Ana Matronic from the Scissor Sisters wanted this one to get through, but she had taken leave of her senses.

30th place - Switzerland (SF2), 41 points:


1x10 (France);
2x6 (Finland, Hungary);
1x5 (Iceland);
2x3 (Greece, Norway);
3x2 (Albania, Armenia, Malta);
1x1 (Bulgaria).

Where am I?
Beating Montenegro because more countries voted for it, Takasa's "You and Me" from Switzerland featured a 94-year-old by the end of the song. He was probably 18 when it started. It was dreary, dull, bland, and we can't work out why the Swiss public didn't send Lys Assia's "All In Your Head" to Eurovision instead. Even if it was an 86-year-old woman, accompanied by four rappers, who had won the first contest in 1956.

29th place - Bulgaria (SF2), 45 points:


1x10 (Armenia);
1x8 (San Marino);
1x6 (Spain);
3x4 (Albania, Azerbaijan, Georgia);
1x3 (F.Y.R. Macedonia);
1x2 (Greece);
4x1 (France, Hungary, Norway, Romania).



What? I have to sing this song?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Drumming, face masks, and out-of-tune singing: "Samo Shampioni" by Eltisa Todorova and Stoyan Yankulov. They entered in 2007 and came fifth with a similar song. Europe moved on, Bulgaria didn't. It was awful and we can't believe it got up to 29th.

28th place - Serbia (SF1), 46 points:


2x10 (Croatia, Montenegro);
1x6 (Austria);
1x5 (Slovenia);
2x4 (Cyprus, Sweden);
1x3 (Italy);
1x2 (Ukraine);
2x1 (Belarus, The Netherlands).
Three girls, one cupcake.

We were shocked that Moje 3's "Ljubav Je Svuda" didn't qualify. Uptempo, great melody, sung well, fantastic song... but terrible dance routine and outfits killed it. We loved it. We voted for it. Why didn't it qualify, Europe? Why did you put through Estonia instead? Europe, we hate you. The performance should have been top 10. It was a lot better than last year's entry, "Nije Ljubav Stvar".. why, Europe, why!?

27th place - San Marino (SF2), 47 points:


1x10 (Spain);
1x6 (Malta);
2x5 (France, F.Y.R. Macedonia);
3x4 (Armenia, Israel, Romania);
1x3 (Latvia);
1x2 (Hungary);
4x1 (Azerbaijan, Finland, Georgia, Greece).
"Vola!"

If we hated you for not putting Serbia through, we REALLY hate you for not putting San Marino through. "Crisalide (Vola)" was one of the favourites to win the contest yet it missed out on the final by 13 points. A big turnaround from 2012's "The Social Network Song (Oh Oh -- Uh - Oh Oh )", despite being sung by the same singer, Valentina Monetta, we couldn't believe it.

26th place - Ireland (SF1, GF), 54 points (SF1), 5 points (GF):


SF1:
1x7 (Cyprus);
2x6 (Russia, United Kingdom);
3x5 (Estonia, Lithuania, The Netherlands);
2x4 (Belarus, Belgium);
3x3 (Denmark, Sweden, Ukraine);
1x2 (Croatia);
1x1 (Moldova).

GF:
2x2 (Cyprus, Sweden);
1x1 (United Kingdom).


Only love survives. And topless men.
And drumming. And singing...
A disappointment for Ireland, really. Their first entry without Jedward since 2010 bombed. Although they qualified quite comfortably, in the final, they disappointed, with just three countries voting for "Only Love Survives". We loved it, as Ireland showed Latvia how to do topless dancing. According to our sources in Malmo, they weren't wearing shirts all week! Ryan Dolan was not seen without a shirt, though...

25th place - Spain (GF), 8 points:


1x6 (Albania);
1x2 (Italy).
This is Bananas in pyjamas, whoops,
sorry, this is Spain.

Dull, dreary, and obviously not wanting to win: "Contigo Hasta El Final" from ESDM, representing Spain, was a turn-off for many. We didn't like it at all. NEXT!

24th place - Finland (SF2, GF), 64 points (SF2), 13 points (GF):


SF2:
3x8 (Latvia, Norway, Spain);
3x7 (France, Iceland, San Marino);
1x5 (Hungary);
3x3 (Azerbaijan, Germany, Romania);
1x2 (Switzerland);
3x1 (Albania, Israel, Malta).

GF:
1x4 (Israel);
2x3 (France, San Marino);
1x2 (Denmark);
1x1 (Germany).
Marry me, baby?

We loved Krista Siegfrieds's "Marry Me", with a great song, a wedding dress, great dancing, wedding bells, but the last great element of this song may have put Europe's 170 million viewers off: a lesbian kiss. Apparently, the song was written as a 'subtle' hint for her long-term boyfriend of 14 years to propose to her. And no, he's not 14 years old. We did vote for this in the final. And he hasn't proposed yet.

23rd place - France (GF), 14 points:


1x8 (San Marino);
2x2 (Armenia, Iceland);
2x1 (Cyprus, F.Y.R. Macedonia).

If hell really does look like this,
no thanks.
John Kennedy O'Connor, the spokesperson for San Marino, said that "no, we really did give eight points to France!". We have to agree with him: "L'Enfer Et Moi" was dreadful. But what does one expect from a woman called Amandine Bourgeois?

22nd place - Lithuania (SF1, GF), 53 points (SF1), 17 points (GF):


SF1:
1x10 (Italy);
2x7 (Belarus, United Kingdom);
2x6 (Belgium, Ireland);
1x5 (Ukraine);
1x4 (Estonia);
1x3 (Cyprus);
2x2 (Denmark, Moldova);
1x1 (Russia).

GF:
1x6 (Italy);
1x5 (Belarus);
1x3 (Azerbaijan);
3x1 (Georgia, Ireland, Ukraine).
Because of my shoes, which are
obscured by the audience.

We can't work out how "Something" got many votes, especially when Andrius Pojavis sung this chorus: "if you don't know, I'm in love with you, when summer time falls, it becomes untrue, because of my shoes, I'm wearing today, one is called love, the other is pain." WHAT!?

21st place - Germany (GF), 18 points:


1x6 (Austria);
1x5 (Israel);
2x3 (Albania, Spain);
1x1 (Switzerland).
Take me to your heaven. Oh, hold
on, wasn't that Sweden 1999?

It might have suffered accusations of plagiarism, but "Glorious" sounded glorious to us. We couldn't believe it came 21st as it was a pre-contest favourite and was sung by Cascada. The same Cascada who sung "Evacuate The Dance Floor" and "Everytime We Touch". The same Cascada with a recent UK number one. She didn't even get one point for it from the UK. We did vote for it.

20th place - Estonia (SF1, GF), 52 points (SF1), 19 points (GF):


SF1:
1x8 (Ireland);
1x6 (Sweden);
4x5 (Belarus, Italy, Moldova, Russia);
3x4 (Lithuania, The Netherlands, United Kingdom);
1x3 (Austria);
3x1 (Belgium, Denmark, Ukraine).

GF:
1x10 (Latvia);
1x6 (Finland);
1x3 (Lithuania).
DO NOT ADJUST YOUR SETS.
It really is in black and white.

All of its Grand Final votes may have been political, but it shouldn't have qualified. Ireland, Sweden, Italy, The Netherlands, United Kingdom, Austria, Belgium, and Denmark, hang your heads in shame. You voted for the dreary "Et Uus Saaks Alguse" by Birgit Oigemeel. You will suffer a dreadful fate.

19th place - United Kingdom (GF), 23 points:


1x7 (Ireland);
1x5 (Malta);
1x4 (Spain);
1x3 (Romania);
1x2 (Switzerland);
2x1 (Slovenia, Sweden).
Bonnie Tyler starts the England
cricket campaign: #RISE.
Our favourite this year. Bonnie Tyler's "Believe In Me" featured 3D staging (rise, Bonnie, rise!), brilliant but nervous singing, fantastic harmonies, and light-up lights in the crowd. We can't work out why it didn't do better. Believe in meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, yeah! Here's to 2014, and we hope that the BBC take it seriously. And not just because we want to go in 2015.

18th place - Armenia (SF2, GF), 69 points (SF2), 41 points (GF):


SF2:
1x12 (France);
1x10 (Georgia);
3x8 (Bulgaria, Israel, Malta);
1x7 (Greece);
1x6 (Germany);
1x5 (Romania);
1x4 (Norway);
1x1 (Latvia).

GF:
1x10 (F.Y.R. Macedonia);
1x8 (Bulgaria);
1x7 (France);
1x6 (Ukraine);
1x3 (Hungary);
2x2 (Belarus, Russia);
"Who has done it?" You have.

Song was called "Lonely Planet". The singer was called Dorians. Next. Yawn.


17th place - Iceland (SF2, GF), 72 points (SF2), 47 points (GF):


SF2:
2x12 (Finland, Germany);
4x10 (Hungary, Latvia, Norway, Switzerland);
1x7 (Spain);
1x1 (Armenia).

GF:
1x8 (Germany);

3x6 (Estonia, Hungary, Sweden);
2x5 (Finland, Switzerland);
2x4 (Norway, Slovenia);
1x2 (United Kingdom);
1x1 (Denmark).
"Egg a leaf, egg a leaf..."

A ballad, "Ég Á Líf", with a Jesus-like (in appearance) Eypór Ingi Gunnlaugsson singing it. Reminded us of Engelbert Humperdinck's "Love Will Set You Free" last year which represented the United Kingdom. We liked it, but not greatly.

16th place - Belarus (SF1, GF), 64 points (SF1), 48 points (GF):


SF1:
1x12 (Ukraine);
1x10 (Moldova);
1x8 (Lithuania);
1x7 (Italy);
2x6 (Cyprus, Montenegro);
2x4 (Serbia, Slovenia);
1x3 (Ireland);
2x2 (Russia, The Netherlands).

GF:
1x12 (Ukraine);
3x5 (Armenia, F.Y.R. Macedonia, Georgia);
1x4 (Moldova);
2x3 (Israel, Montenegro);
1x2 (Malta);
2x1 (Greece, Lithuania).
If that dress was any higher, we'd see
her cha-cha.

Yes, we know Ukraine's voting for its neighbour, but it deserved it. "Solayoh", sung by Alyona Lanskaya, really should have done a lot better. Bald men in terrible clothes, a glitterball spaceship, a silly dance routine, a great song - what more do you want? Oh, a glitterball spaceship. We voted for this one but the UK gave it nothing.

15th place - Georgia (SF2, GF), 63 points (SF2), 50 points (GF):


SF2:
1x12 (Armenia);

1x10 (Azerbaijan);
1x7 (Israel);
1x6 (Greece);
6x4 (F.Y.R. Macedonia, Hungary, Iceland, Latvia, Malta, Spain);
1x3 (Bulgaria);
1x1 (San Marino).

GF:
2x10 (Armenia, Azerbaijan*);
1x8 (Lithuania);
1x7 (Ukraine);
2x5 (Greece, Russia);
1x3 (Moldova);
1x2 (Montenegro).
Eurodisney.

Euro-Disney, sorry, "Waterfall", a big Georgian power ballad, which was sung by Nodi Tatishvilli and Sophie Gellovani. We thought it was decent and it finished roundabout where we wanted it to. However, the reason that 10 points from Azerbaijan is starred is because of the fact that the Azerbaijani Foreign Minister was told that 10 points should have gone to Russia. We don't mean politically, we mean that the data that Jon Old Sand had was allegedly wrong. In the next top secret government meeting about Eurovision (and we're not joking - these are held), this will be on the agenda.

14th place - Sweden (GF), 62 points:


1x12 (Norway);
1x8 (Denmark);
1x6 (Slovenia);
2x5 (Ireland, Moldova);
4x4 (Bulgaria, Finland, Iceland, Latvia);
2x3 (Germany, The Netherlands);
4x1 (Belgium, Croatia, Estonia, Serbia).


He's having SO MUCH FUN. And
it's all because of youououoaaaoh...
"You" - a piece of sheer brilliance on the CD. Then Robin Stjernberg started singing it in the final. He obviously had a sore throat as he missed out some of the lyrics for the backing singers to fill in. He couldn't hit the high notes as well as he had done in the Melodifestivalen (Swedish selection process) final. The juries gave it third. He couldn't do it on the night. A genuine disappointment for many.

13th place - Romania (SF2, GF), 83 points (SF2), 65 points (GF):

SF2:
4x10 (Greece, Iceland, Israel, Malta);
1x8 (Azerbaijan);
1x7 (Germany);
2x6 (France, Norway);
1x5 (Albania);
1x4 (Finland);
1x3 (Armenia);
1x2 (Bulgaria);
2x1 (F.Y.R. Macedonia, Spain).

GF:
2x10 (Greece, Moldova);
1x7 (Malta);
3x6 (Azerbaijan, Iceland, Norway);
1x5 (Albania);
3x4 (Austria, Sweden, United Kingdom);
3x1 (France, Italy, Montenegro).

Did make-up just involve red paint?
Cezar from Romania proved that just because you CAN do something, it doesn't mean you should. What are we talking about? "It's My Life" - a operatic dance number. Yes, operatic dance, featuring dubstep. We do not like dubstep. It was bonkers here. We just can't quite get it.


12th place - Belgium (SF1, GF), 75 points (SF1), 71 points (GF):


SF1:
1x10 (The Netherlands);
2x8 (Estonia, Russia);
3x7 (Denmark, Ireland, Sweden);
1x6 (Slovenia);
1x5 (United Kingdom);
2x4 (Austria, Moldova);
2x3 (Belarus, Croatia);
1x2 (Lithuania);
1x1 (Montenegro).

GF:
1x12 (The Netherlands);
1x8 (Russia);
1x7 (Sweden);
3x5 (Denmark, France, San Marino);
2x4 (Hungary, Ireland);
5x3 (Austria, Finland, Norway, Serbia, United Kingdom);
3x2 (Estonia, Latvia, Slovenia).

She's behind you!!
The dark horse in the competition with hindsight. We loved "Love Kills" and the incredibly cute Roberto Bellarosa (his reaction after his performance in the final - awww!). 2013 saw a bit of a Central-European renaissance - but eight points from Russia? Where did that come from?


11th place - Moldova (SF1, GF), 95 points (SF1), 71 points (GF):


SF1:
1x12 (Russia);
1x10 (Ukraine);
1x8 (Italy);
3x7 (Austria, Serbia, Slovenia);
3x6 (Belarus, Denmark, The Netherlands);
3x5 (Belgium, Cyprus, Sweden);
1x4 (Montenegro);
2x3 (Estonia, Lithuania);
1x1 (Croatia).

GF:
1x12 (Romania);
1x8 (Ukraine);
1x7 (F.Y.R. Macedonia);
2x6 (Russia, Serbia);
1x5 (Montenegro);
3x4 (Belarus, France, Italy);
3x3 (Belgium, Bulgaria, Ireland);
2x2 (Austria, Spain);
2x1 (Azerbaijan, Israel).

Get me down! I don't like heights!
Moldova have one of the best records in the competition. Historical records, we mean, not song-record. Pre-1990s joke for you there. The song was called "O Mie" - no, not a hymn, Romanian (which they speak in Moldova) for "A Million". Perhaps that's why it got 12 points from Romania. We find it strange that Ireland gave it three points in the final, yet, in the first semi final, it was able to vote for it but Ireland was one of only two eligible countries not to give it points, the other being the United Kingdom. Moldova's best song in years but did quite badly by their standards.

10th place - Hungary (SF2, GF), 66 points (SF2), 84 points (GF):


SF2:
1x12 (Switzerland);
1x10 (Germany);
1x8 (Finland);
1x7 (Albania);
2x6 (Bulgaria, Romania);
1x4 (San Marino);
3x3 (France, Georgia, Israel);
2x2 (Latvia, Norway).

GF:
1x12 (Germany);
2x10 (Finland, Switzerland);
1x8 (Albania);
1x7 (The Netherlands);
2x6 (Bulgaria, San Marino);
1x5 (Lithuania);
2x4 (Croatia, Estonia);
2x3 (Italy, Sweden);
3x2 (Greece, Norway, Serbia).

Yes, they did find me in a pub.
What a song to fall asleep to. "Kedvesem (Zoohacker Remix)", by ByeAlex (and presumably Zoohacker) was, as Father Ted once put it, "THE SAME BLOODY NOTE OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!" It was horrible, it wasn't even worth listening to, it sounded like something that you would hear on someone's headphones when they're too loud. It was even described by eurovision.tv as "a hipster song", something that we wouldn't be proud of creating. Before we fall asleep writing about it, we should move on. BUT 12 POINTS FROM GERMANY!? REALLY!?

9th place - The Netherlands (SF1, GF), 75 points (SF1), 114 points (GF):


SF1:
1x12 (Belgium);
1x10 (Denmark);
3x8 (Austria, Sweden, United Kingdom);
2x7 (Estonia, Lithuania);
1x5 (Ireland);
2x3 (Russia, Slovenia);
1x2 (Montenegro);
2x1 (Italy, Serbia).

GF:
1x12 (Belgium);
1x10 (Denmark);
5x8 (Austria, Finland, Iceland, Italy, Sweden);
2x7 (Estonia, Slovenia);
2x6 (Ireland, United Kingdom);
1x5 (Hungary);
3x4 (Albania, Lithuania, Switzerland);
1x3 (Russia);
3x2 (Croatia, F.Y.R. Macedonia, Romania).

The most exciting thing about this
is the feather duster hiding behind
the Finnish flag.
This may come as a shock, but, for the EuroFans, ninth was a disappointment. The Netherlands hadn't qualified for the final since 2004, but, this year, Anouk and her "Birds" did rather badly. Ninth place for a song dubbed by comedian David Morgan as "The Blair Wits Project". Ninth. We have a feeling that that's as high as The Netherlands will get for a while. Sadly.

8th place - Malta (SF2, GF), 118 points (SF2), 120 points (GF):


SF2:
3x12 (Azerbaijan, F.Y.R. Macedonia, Norway);
1x10 (San Marino);
1x8 (Hungary);
3x7 (Armenia, Romania, Switzerland);
4x6 (Albania, Georgia, Iceland, Latvia);
3x5 (Finland, Germany, Greece);
2x2 (France, Israel).

GF:
3x10 (Italy, Norway, San Marino);
3x8 (Azerbaijan, Hungary, The Netherlands);
2x7 (Belarus, United Kingdom);
1x6 (Armenia);
5x5 (Estonia, Germany, Iceland, Latvia, Romania);
1x4 (Denmark);
4x3 (Cyprus, F.Y.R. Macedonia, Georgia, Greece);
2x2 (France, Ukraine);
1x1 (Spain).

"But good old" - THWACK -"Jeremy"
Another great song to fall asleep too. We watched the Maltese selection process, and you don't want to know what came second. The entry was called "Tomorrow", sung by Gianluca, who is a doctor (as his occupation). It was about a guy with massive OCD levels meeting a spontaneous girl, and it's all about trying to stalk follow her tomorrow, but he can't due to his "rigorous routine". Bleurgh.

7th place - Italy (GF), 126 points:


3x12 (Albania, Spain, Switzerland);
3x10 (Austria, France, F.Y.R. Macedonia);
3x8 (Croatia, Malta, Slovenia);
4x6 (Belgium, Cyprus, Greece, Montenegro);
2x4 (San Marino, Serbia);
1x2 (Georgia);
2x1 (Armenia, Romania).

Someone's been to the make-up
department...
"L'essenziale", sung by Marco Mengoni, was YET ANOTHER DRAB AFFAIR. And since it was in Italian, we don't have a clue. NEXT!!

6th place - Greece (SF2, GF), 121 points (SF2), 152 points (GF):


SF2:
1x12 (San Marino);
3x10 (Albania, Bulgaria, Romania);
2x8 (Armenia, Germany);
4x7 (Azerbaijan, Finland, Malta, Norway);
3x6 (F.Y.R. Macedonia, Israel, Switzerland);
2x5 (Latvia, Spain);
1x3 (Hungary);
2x2 (Georgia, Iceland).

GF:
2x12 (Cyprus, San Marino);
2x10 (Albania, Russia);
4x8 (Armenia, Montenegro, Switzerland, United Kingdom);
4x7 (Austria, Bulgaria, Italy, Romania);
3x6 (Belarus, Denmark, Germany);
2x5 (Croatia, Norway);
3x4 (Azerbaijan, F.Y.R. Macedonia, Malta);
2x2 (Belgium, Israel);
4x1 (Finland, Hungary, Latvia, The Netherlands).


Message from Angela Merkel:
ALCOHOL IS NOT FREE.
They tried so hard NOT to win that they almost ended up winning. They entered Koza Mostra and "Alcohol Is Free". Maybe, Greece, if you made it expensive, and then put some taxes on it, your economic problems would be solved. The song was so bonkers, we were once involved in a chorus of it outside Clapham South London Underground station.



5th place - Russia (SF1, GF), 156 points (SF1), 174 points (GF):


SF1:
1x12 (Denmark);
9x10 (Austria, Belarus, Cyprus, Estonia, Ireland, Lithuania, Slovenia, Sweden, United Kingdom);
2x8 (Croatia, Moldova);
4x7 (Belgium, Montenegro, The Netherlands, Ukraine);
1x6 (Serbia);
1x4 (Italy).

GF:
2x12 (Estonia, Latvia);
3x10 (Ireland, Slovenia, United Kingdom);
2x8 (Belarus, Serbia);
5x7 (Armenia, Denmark, Israel, Lithuania, Moldova);
5x6 (Croatia, France, F.Y.R. Macedonia, Georgia, Spain);
2x5 (Bulgaria, Sweden);
3x4 (Belgium, The Netherlands, Ukraine);
2x2 (Finland, Germany).

What if you stopped singing?
"What If" was the song, featuring the lyric "what if we chose to bury our guns?". Russia really regretting the Cold War then. Dina Garapova was the performer, and she was, well, bland. There's only so many ballads we can take at Eurovision. Bring back Buranovskiye Babushki!

4th place - Norway (SF2, GF), 120 points (SF2), 191 points (GF):


SF2:
3x12 (Iceland, Latvia, Spain);
1x10 (Finland);
3x8 (Georgia, Romania, Switzerland);
3x7 (Bulgaria, F.Y.R. Macedonia, Hungary);
4x5 (Armenia, Azerbaijan, Israel, San Marino);
1x4 (Greece);
1x3 (Malta);
1x2 (Germany).

GF:
3x12 (Denmark, Finland, Sweden);
1x10 (Iceland);
4x8 (F.Y.R. Macedonia, Italy, Latvia, Romania);
6x7 (Belgium, Germany, Russia, San Marino, Serbia, Switzerland);
3x6 (Israel, Lithuania, The Netherlands);
2x5 (Slovenia, Spain);
4x4 (Cyprus, Georgia, Greece, Montenegro);
6x3 (Armenia, Belarus, Croatia, Estonia, Malta, Ukraine);
4x2 (Albania, Azerbaijan, Hungary, Moldova);
1x1 (Bulgaria).

FACT: They had to pour her into
that dress.
Close your eyes and imagine what a lady called Margaret Berger would be singing from Norway. Yes, that's right - "I Feed You My Love". Bleurgh. Her love doesn't taste very nice, don't try it. It was a rock number, which sounded, lyrically, like a complete rip-off of San Marino. San Marino is all about your chrysalis and emerging as a butterfly. Now, Margaret Berger "can see (ooooooooahoahowawho), the whole world is mine, I can touch and feel (oooo), so I feed you my love."

3rd place - Ukraine (SF1, GF), 140 points (SF1), 214 points (GF):


SF1:
7x12 (Belarus, Cyprus, Italy, Moldova, Montenegro, Lithuania, Slovenia);
3x8 (Belgium, Denmark, The Netherlands);
2x7 (Croatia, Russia);
1x6 (Estonia);
1x5 (Serbia);
3x2 (Austria, Ireland, United Kingdom);
1x1 (Sweden).

GF:
5x12 (Armenia, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Croatia, Moldova);
8x10 (Bulgaria, Cyprus, Estonia, Israel, Lithuania, Malta, Serbia, Spain);
4x8 (Belgium, Georgia, Greece, Ireland);
2x7 (Hungary, Latvia);
3x5 (Italy, The Netherlands, United Kingdom);
1x4 (Romania);
2x3 (Denmark, Iceland);
3x1 (Austria, Norway, Russia).

No special effects, he really is that
big.
A giant carried Zlata Ogenvich onto the stage then spent the rest of the song (and contest) moaning about it. "Crappy Tea" "Gravity" is quite hard to describe - Ukraine continued their trend of sending rather odd songs and getting decent results out of it (2009, 2010, 2011, and 2013 - 2012 was a great song and a terrible result!).



2nd place - Azerbaijan (SF2, GF), 139 points (SF2), 234 points (GF):


SF2:
7x12 (Bulgaria, Georgia, Greece, Hungary, Israel, Malta);
4x8 (Albania, France, F.Y.R. Macedonia, Iceland);
1x7 (Latvia);
1x5 (Norway);
3x3 (Finland, San Marino, Switzerland);
1x2 (Spain).

GF:
10x12 (Austria, Bulgaria, Georgia, Greece, Hungary, Israel, Lithuania, Malta, Montenegro, Russia);
3x10 (Belarus, Romania, Ukraine);
3x8 (Cyprus, France, Moldova);
4x7 (Albania, Croatia, Iceland, Spain);
1x6 (Switzerland);
2x5 (Belgium, Serbia);
1x4 (Germany);
2x3 (Latvia, Slovenia);
3x2 (Ireland, San Marino, The Netherlands).

Big Farid, little Farid, perspex box.
The man in the perspex box (how did he breathe) managed to cause the viewers' eyes to wander away from Farid Mammadov. Speaking of boxes, Farid wanted someone to "hold me, just fold me..." - did he want to swap with the man? "Hold Me" was the song. Don't know why it was called that.

1st place - Denmark (SF1, GF), 167 points (SF1), 281 points (GF):


SF1:
7x12 (Austria, Croatia, Estonia, Ireland, Sweden, The Netherlands, United Kingdom);
2x10 (Belgium, Russia);
5x8 (Belarus, Cyprus, Montenegro, Serbia, Slovenia);
1x7 (Moldova);
2x6 (Italy, Lithuania);
1x4 (Ukraine).

GF:
8x12 (France, F.Y.R. Macedonia, Iceland, Ireland, Serbia, Slovenia, United Kingdom);
7x10 (Belgium, Croatia, Germany, Hungary, Montenegro, Sweden, The Netherlands);
3x8 (Estonia, Israel, Spain);
5x7 (Azerbaijan, Cyprus, Finland, Georgia, Norway);
4x6 (Latvia, Malta, Moldova, Romania);
3x5 (Austria, Azerbaijan, Ukraine);
2x4 (Armenia, Russia);
1x3 (Switzerland);
2x2 (Bulgaria, Lithuania);
2x1 (Albania, Belarus).

Try not to laugh.
Only teardrops could have stopped "Only Teardrops" from winning for Denmark. Emmelie de Forest (which translates as Emily the Forest) sung it like she'd already won (as she was the bookies' favourite). The voting was exceptionally close between Denmark, Azerbaijan, and Ukraine. Well, we're off to Denmark next year. See you next year. Good night, Europe!

And we'll leave you with this, our favourite entry:



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