Labour and the economy

This week saw the Labour Party conference. A buzz of socialism gathered together in one big hall, used as an attempt to try to promote the Labour Party to voters. However, this week the public saw who the real Labour were.

On day one I received an email from the Conservative Party taken from a survey of those who had attended the Labour Party conference (conducted by Labour). In it, it contained the damning evidence of Labour PPCs up and down the country, almost UKIP-esque in how each candidate gets notoriety:

85% of Labour PPCs said that the last Labour government didn't spend too much.

Ridiculous. According to the Institute For Fiscal Studies, "spending on public services has increased by an average of 4.4% a year in real terms under Labour, significantly faster than the 0.7% a year average seen under the Conservatives from 1979 to 1997." As Labour poured so much money into public services in their first 10 years from 1997 to 2007, productivity fell. Worse still, the real terms value of the pound fell by even more than productivity in these 10 years. The warning signs were there and Labour had already spent too much. According to the Institute For Fiscal Studies, "if the Government had managed to maintain the “bang for each buck” at the level it inherited in 1997, it would have been able to deliver the quantity and quality of public services it delivered in 2007 for £42.5 billion less." £42,500,000,000 of your money. Unnecessarily spent.

10% of Labour PPCs said that the last Labour government should have spent more money.

I'm not having a laugh, I promise. On top of the £42.5bn wasted between 1997 and 2007, the deficit increased from the £29.2bn deficit it inherited to £36.4bn before the recession - another loss of £7.2bn - and when the recession hit, boy, did Labour mess this up. Since 1979, the biggest budget deficit was in 1993 where the government that year, as a consequence of Black Wednesday, ran a budget deficit of £50.9bn. In 2008 Darling smashed that with £69bn. In 2009 he went even better and smashed it up to an incredible £156.3bn. One hundred and fifty six billion and three hundred million pounds was the government black hole. That was bigger than Greece. And at the same time taxes were going up. This wasn't working for Labour. And yet over 60 PPCs say that wasn't enough. They wanted to clog up the toilet with the wasted money being flushed away.

42% of Labour PPCs want to raise direct taxes to reduce the deficit.

Only 18% think we should cut spending.

Wow. Time to get this old poster out again:

And that was in 1992. This time around it's even worse. Labour have an £36bn black hole to fill of unfunded spending commitments, and they want 29.8 million taxpayers to pay for it. That's an extra £1,208.05 per year. An extra £1,200, we'll call it, every year. That's 4.6% of the average national income. According to Guido Fawkes, this tax isn't steeper for the rich. It isn't even flat. It will hit the poorest hardest. Besides, even if you taxed the rich at 98%, as Labour once did, you wouldn't be able to fund it.

So where will you find £1,200? You could cut back by £20 per week on food and groceries.

OK, maybe not. Another way? You could give up the family holiday, that should save £1,200 in one go. That won't go down popularly either.

So let's look at another way. You could sell your car - that's at least £1,200, surely? OK, maybe not. 

All right, you can keep your car, but you'd have to give up your evenings and go minicabbing. Well that's no fun, is it?

You could try striking, but that never works, does it? Strikes go up under Labour, maybe that's why... 

In that case, you'd just have to work overtime. A teacher would have to take classes for an extra few hours. A fireman would have to work a few extra shifts. A farmer would have to sweat in the field.

Judging by their tax bombshell, it's no wonder that

ED MILIBAND DIDN'T MENTION THE ECONOMY ONCE IN HIS SPEECH.

Also, not only did Blair and Brown's government make a mess of the economy, but Wilson and Callaghan made a mess of the economy too...

I shall leave you with the following tweet:

Ed Miliband couldn't run a bath, let alone the economy.

— Rhys Benjamin (@TheotherRB) September 24, 2014

Is Eurovision the answer to the Russia/Ukraine crisis?

Over the last few days, Vladimir Putin has said a lot of things about the current situation there. But with World War Three Four seemingly on the horizon (well, surely World War Three was the Afghan War?), is there a solution from a place you wouldn't expect it?

In the 1976 Olympics, US and USSR athletes were spotted talking to each other. It's little things like this. But my solution is what my major event was designed for.

In 1956, the Eurovision Song Contest was set up to promote peace and unite a war-torn Europe. Surely the Eurovision Song Contest can return to its original values for a few weeks in April and May? It definitely can. This year, it's in the neutral country of Denmark. Because they won last year, if you have read the link before.

Where are we on this? Well, Ukraine have revealed its entry - have a listen here - whilst Russia are revealing theirs in the middle of March. My country, the United Kingdom, has revealed its entry - Molly with "Children Of The Universe". 

Why mention the UK, though? Why didn't I mention something like "Heartbeat" from Ireland? Well, there's two very good reasons for that: the Irish song is rubbish, and the lyrics of the UK entry have a part in this.

Don't believe me? Well, read this extract from the UK entry:

Power to the people, oh, ee ee

Power to the people, oh, oh-oh-oh 

(And no, I'm not advertising a certain mobile phone company. Honest.)

Will Ukraine act on the UK's song? Well, if they speak English, they will. That's what they want, isn't it? Some socialist propaganda according to popular opinion? In reality, it's more Thatcherite propaganda: socialism is the devolution of powers from the individual and to the state. Power from the people, more like.

If the Ukrainian entrant - whose name I can't spell - gets stuck in with the social aspect of the contest - and possibly achieves a good result with "Tick Tock" (which is very good!) then maybe tensions will diffuse? What will the countries give each other, though? Let's bear in mind it is a televote. People have the choice. (OK, 50% of the scores do come from professionals, but it's still a televote mostly, as televote has precedence in a tie-break.)

I don't think Ukraine will win the contest with "Tick Tock". Yes, it's solid, but not as good as the British and Romanian entries in my eyes. And Hungary have finally sent something decent, so should do well. So that may hinder things. But will homophobic Putin watch Eurovision, a telethon synonymous with the LGBT community? I hate to say it, but I think the answer will be no. The organisers of the contest in general, the EBU, and the organisers of this year's contest, DR, are using the slogan #JoinUs, which is a bit unwieldy. I hope Putin reads it - but how do you translate a hashtag into Russian? Anyone?

Of course, Ukraine could, at great expense (the fines are immense!) pull the plug on the contest altogether. The last time a country did that was Armenia in 2012, who were fined a lot of money. Circumstances aren't that bad - the contest was being held in Azerbaijan, which has been at war with Armenia since 1993 - and although both countries wanted Armenia there, Armenia pulled out after there was a shoot-out and a death in the conflict. 

Since Ukraine joined the contest in 2004, Russia have given them points in the final every year, with the exception of 2006. Even so, they don't tend to give them lots of points - mostly 1 or 2. Even in 2013, when Ukraine came third, Russia only awarded one point to the Ukraine, when most countries awarded lots more. So the Russian people will probably give nul points to Ukraine. 

But only time will tell if Eurovision solves this. 

£166bn down the drain? No thanks, Ed...

Ed Balls has been trying to claim that Labour ‘will not duck the hard choices ahead’. They said they were serious about the economy. But now we know that isn't true.

Analysis by the independent Institute for Fiscal Studies has shown that his plans would allow Labour to borrow and spend billions more.

Official Treasury numbers have shown the full impact of Labour’s plans: a borrowing bombshell adding an additional £166bn to the country's debt in just one parliament, despite what Miliband and Balls will tell you.

Labour’s plan to borrow and spend more is the single biggest risk to our economic recovery. And it’s hardworking people who would pay the price, with higher taxes funding this latest Labour spending spree.

The choice at the next election is now clear: the Conservatives with our long-term economic plan that is building a stronger, more competitive economy, and securing a better future for Britain; the Same Old Labour Party, with no plan, no direction, and no ideas other than more spending, more borrowing and more taxes.

Are you sure you can trust Ed Balls with the economy? After all, Alistair Darling is better than him and look how that ended up. 

A Real Nightmare

If you haven't guessed by now, I am a student. Sadly, I can't change the time settings on this blog: I have no idea what the time is in PST - or whatever the time setting is. But nonetheless, it is my half term break. I use the phrase 'break' very loosely: this has been a break from hell. Ultimately, one can surely understand if I'm having a nightmare. But not one like this.

Well, this half term has been dreadful. As well as the now customary mountain of homework given to me, my father decided that now is the time to redecorate my room. Part of me is glad: I used to have a horrible greeny-yellow wallpaper. But that's OK: the paint just has to be finished now. A colour that Homebase call 'azure' (whatever that is), with 'silk emulsion'. I still have no idea. But that is fine - but this week has been dreadful for the following reasons.

On the evening of Monday 17 February, Microsoft released an update for Windows. The update must have a bug in it, for it broke ALL the computers I have.

Despite technological experts, one is in a state of disrepair. The other one is password-protected due to a fault (we didn't set it to be password-protected but the update has forced it to be so) - and we don't know the password.

Consequently, I'm currently speaking to you from a crummy 7'' tablet my mother owns, whilst listening to 'Diva' by Dana International and watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? on a television channel called Challenge - which is the best thing since sliced bread (it broadcasts game shows!). I haven't got a clue in which US state Saint Augustine is, so I, like this contestant, would gladly take one hundred and twenty five thousand pounds! 

Anyway, I didn't come here to go on and on about US states and female authors and whether the correct term for someone against increasing the powers of the EU is a eurosceptic, a eurostar, a eurotrash, or a eurovision. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. And squeezing this between the mountain of homework given to me...

Anyway, this strange dream I had... where to begin?

As my room is being redecorated, I'm sleeping with my brother (and all of you disgusting perverts can get that thought of your heads NOW), and I have a dream about the next general election.

David Dimbleby introduces the election night, with very badly airbrushed pictures of Ed Miliband, David Cameron, Nick Clegg, and Nigel Farage standing side by side by side by side. Then he introduces Jeremy Vine swinging his swingometer. (I've just thought about using a pun on 'Vine' and 'swinging', but I'm not clever enough to think of one.) Then Andrew Neil and Andrew Marr get shoehorned in, Peter Kellener is added as an afterthought, the Formula One commentator Ben Edwards is also there. I don't know why, the BBC tend to do use gimmicks on election nights: in 2005, they had people spray-painting a map of the UK in the colours won by each constituency. Attempting not to go over the lines on Sunderland South and other extremely urban constituencies was a bit of a disaster. In 2010, they had Andrew Neil interviewing, of all people, Piers Morgan and Bruce Forsyth on a boat next to the London Eye,the latter seeming not to give two hoots about the election. So I have no idea what Ben Edwards is doing there. And then David Dimbleby introduces Emily Maitlis and Nick Robinson, attempting to hide the frustration of a night with Nick Robinson, which would drive anyone mad!

Anyhow, in my version of reality, I am sitting on my sofa with 15 cans of Red Bull and 29 cups of coffee ready to drink in emergency, bearing in mind I hate both of them. Dimbers gives us an exit poll at 22:00 which appears to have gone slightly wrong as it shows UKIP on 631 (+631), Labour on 0 (-258), the Conservatives on 0 (-306), the Liberal Democrats on 0 (-57), and the others on 19 (-10). Nick Robinson dismisses it as rubbish, Jeremy Vine runs out of swing, and Peter Kellener is stunned into silence.

Right then - according to Mr Dimbleby - Houghton and Sunderland South should be first to declare. As always, the swing here will be important, just as it will in the 631 constituencies where the main parties are standing (650 - Speaker's seat - Northern Ireland = 631). 

At 22:41, Houghton and Sunderland South declares with a 7% swing to Labour. UKIP are nowhere. "Well," says Nick Robinson, "What an interesting result. Let's wait and see."

Sunderland Central declares. 7% swing to Labour. UKIP nowhere. This pattern continues for the North East. Result after result goes to Labour. UKIP make gains in the Conservative heartlands. The Liberal Democrats are able to concentrate their votes and monopolise Cornwall and Devon. Making facial gestures at home very similar to those made by defeated Conservative candidates in 1997, I begin to look up one-way plane tickets to Sweden.

It's now, on election night, 4am - and the one result I was desperate to see is coming through. Harrow West. After 17 recounts, this seat finally declares - and Gareth Thomas is ousted after 18 years. Hannah David, a very nice woman comes in. Hannah David wins by just two votes from Gaeth Thomas for the Conservatives. UKIP take third.

But I watch Ed Miliband stumble over his words in Downing Street, with the Ed Balls clown back there - and reading in the papers that he attempted to steal from Buckingham Palace, Ed Miliband walks in to Downing Street - and I wake up. My brother's just switched the lights on. He does this sort of thing. I promptly turn out the lights again. (The political know-alls who read this blog can probably see where this is going.)

Fortunately, you can stop it. By voting for David Cameron at the next general election, you can stop Ed Miliband from winning. A vote for UKIP is a vote for Labour. A vote for the Liberal Democrats is a vote for Labour. But if Miliband wins, I WILL be getting on that plane to Sweden - and will the last person to leave please turnout the lights?

Labour's (new!) tax bombshell

I had a quick trawl through the Labour Party website, and I could only find the one policy on it, on Ed Miliband's one-off energy price freeze. However, what policies there are on the Labour side, it's obvious as to why they don't want to mention them. Labour have pledged to spend the same pot of money, coming from a bank levy, 13 times over: youth jobs guarantee; lowering VAT; reversing child benefit changes; reversing ALL of Iain Duncan Smith's benefit reforms; more regional growth funding; turning empty shops into community centres; more housing; childcare; cutting the deficit; more spending; more spending on public services.

But hold on, it's not possible to spend more and cut the deficit. It's also not possible to spend the same pot of money 13 times over. So Labour would have to increase taxes. But even if you taxed the rich at 98% (as Labour once did), there aren't enough rich people to pay for it all. So Labour would have to come up with something that hit everybody. The result? Well, look below:

That's £1,250 more tax per year for the typical worker under Ed 'n' Ed - £6,250 more tax over the next five years. Yes, I know I'm recycling old Conservative Party adverts, but it is same old Labour. So where would you save £1,250?

Well, don't worry, Labour would give you a choice:

1. Save £25 per week on weekly shopping. This means giving up chocolate, for starters.
2. Give up the family holiday. This may not prove too popular.
3. Sell your car - that could save you £6,250. But how would you do Britain-wide journeys?
4. Keep your car but take up minicabbing, giving up your evening.
5. Strike - probably explaining why they go up under Labour - but it wouldn't work.
6. Labour more for Labour. Work overtime.

The world recession has made it difficult for all of us, but with taxes down, strikes down, and inflation down, Britain is poised to gain most when the economy REALLY gets going. The last thing we need now is more taxes from Labour.

I was about to finish this blog post at that, and then I re-read it. And I noticed Labour have pledged to turn shops into community centres. Yes, they really are so anti-business they would let that happen. Another £5m down the drain.

What else have Labour pledged? They've pledged to renationalise energy. And EVERYONE knows this doesn't work. Between 1945 and 1987, the British taxpayer wasted £40bn to rescue failed nationalised industries - and that's not including Northern Rock, RBS, and Lloyds. There's only been one case where nationalisation has worked, and that is the NHS. "Oh", say Labour, "but prices are rising! It's the cost of living crisis, it's the end of the world!"

That argument doesn't stack up:

1. Labour's figure of £1,600 does not include tax cuts by this government.
2. We are exactly on the IMF inflation target of 2.0%.
3. One should introduce more competition into markets, not less.

This election will be a two-party election, and, owing to the nature of the British electoral system, a vote for anyone other than the Conservatives will be a vote for Labour. David Cameron isn't the most popular Prime Ministers ever - it will be the least worst candidate who is returned to Downing Street - David Cameron is far better than Ed Miliband.

How to become a socialist

Follow this easy step-by-step guide and you'll be out of Downing Street in a flash!

Step One: Find a safe Labour seat and get elected.

Step Two: Find an MP in your party with similar views to yours and try to form a relationship.

Step Three: Shout at the Conservatives for cutting taxes.

Step Four: Get onto the Labour front bench (and try to drag your mate along).

Step Five: Don't lose your seat in the next election.

Step Six: Shout at the Conservatives for cutting taxes.

Step Seven: Swear at some Labour Party staff.

Step Eight: Where an exit poll produces a hung Parliament whereupon the Conservatives have the largest number of seats, claim that Labour should be in government.

Step Nine: Take all the credit for when the Conservatives change their leader.

Step Ten: Go to a restaurant with your mate - and agree that in the next leadership election, only one of you will stand.

Step Eleven: Accuse the Conservatives of being weak and divided when your party is even more weak and even more divided.

Step Twelve: Hire some celebrities to say 'vote Labour'.

Step Thirteen: Punch a voter.

Step Fourteen: Claim to get rid of boom and bust.

Step Fifteen: Where an exit poll produces a landslide for Labour, claim that 'we'll have to wait and see'.

Step Sixteen: Try to make up soundbites in your speeches.

Step Seventeen: Use television game shows as your debating arguments.

Step Eightteen: Raise taxes.

Step Nineteen: Spend, spend, spend.

Step Twenty: Suck up to the EU.

Step Twenty-one: Spend, spend, spend.

Step Twenty-two: Raise taxes.

Step Twenty-three: Get into bed with the US.

Step Twenty-four: Gently remind your mate about your deal in step ten.

Step Twenty-five: Sheepishly follow the US into a war.

Step Twenty-six: Get re-elected.

Step Twenty-seven: Pester your mate about your deal in step ten.

Step Twenty-eight: Shout to your mate about your deal in step ten.

Step Twenty-nine: Execute the deal.

Step Thirty: Nationalise left, right, and centre.

Step Thirty-one: Cause a bank of your choice to fail by nationalising it.

Step Thirty-two: Read out lists of countries to every answer at PMQs.

Step Thirty-three: Make a global recession worse than it needs to be.

Step Thirty-four: Lead the world out of recession and leave Britain behind.

Step Thirty-five: Increase the deficit ten-fold unnecessarily.

Step Thirty-six: Pledge to cut the deficit.

Step Thirty-seven: Call a voter a bigot.

Step Thirty-eight: Where an exit poll produces a hung Parliament whereupon the Conservatives have the largest number of seats, claim that Labour should be in government.

Step Thirty-nine: Get friendly with the unions.

Step Forty: Pledge 'trade union freedom'.

Step Forty-one: Pledge to introduce the great firewall of China Britain.

The Tube Challenge - Write-up

WARNING - THIS POST CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE.

4am. The alarm goes off. And I made sure that I got the first tweet in of the day:

         4:06

         Won't be this bright and breezy by the time I finish...

         4:24

         Noticed anything unusual? Yep, it's 4:24 in the morning, and I'm moving about.

We worked out our last-minute tweets, sorry, tweaks, to the route, and the team of four I was in was off to Chesham: R. Benjamin; G. Bryant; A. Chilcraft; I. MacNaughton. Chesham offered an S7+1 stock to start with, as well as Kevin and Nozza. I shoved £10.90 into the ticket machine at Chesham. And for what seemed like ages, the train finally departed. After Chesham, we were underway. And I was on the tube. 

         6:31

         Bye bye Chesham! 1/270.

As ever, Chalfont & Latimer was laboriously slow, and we met Geoff, who was going to Amersham.  We didn't know that Geoff was going to be here, and I realised that I'd never been to Amersham before now. 

         6:50

         Met @geofftech. 3/270.

         6:57

         I promise that I won't do one tweet per station. Honestly. 3/270.

However, we missed our connection at Watford, and we were already eight minutes behind. Now, dear reader, there is no way that I am going to reveal to you what we did, but I can assure you that it was a valid move, within the rules of the challenge, which failed spectacularly. Watford may look nice at this time of day, but we were there for far longer than we needed to be.

         7:38

         Twatford. 8/270.

Now, to make this up, we would have to run like hell between North Harrow and Rayners Lane. If there was an H9 bus there, then we would be good. At this point, Glen complained that he was bored of the Metropolitan Line. Through Northwood, Northwood Hills, Pinner, then North Harrow. We jumped out and starting running, as we'd seen an H9 bus in front of us at the bus stop. We ran like hell to make it. And can we? Can we? Yes! H9 to the rescue. At the other end (at Rayners Lane), we also made the tight connection. It was sat in the platform, doors open, almost waiting especially for us.

        8:02

        Thank you H9 bus! North Harrow to Rayners Lane in 5 mins! 16/270.

There was, however, bad news to take away from the jubilation, and that was that we were now one train down on our route. We had a back-up plan which we thought was more feasible and so we switched to that, taking out the Hainault loop first. Everyone knows that there's three difficult bits to do: the Hainault loop, Mill Hill East, and Kensington (Olympia).

        @TheOtherRB Tweets

        8:24 @TheManOnTheTube    
        @TheOtherRB Breaker breaker Jackson to Benjamin how are you getting on over? :P gutted I can't                   be with you today!  


His name - that's that last tweet, is Rhys Jackson. He's my tube partner-in-crime, and he couldn't be with me today due to a job interview.

        8:33
        Well, we're still 5 mins down. Let's re-route so as not to miss the loop. 23/270.

There, and back. In and out. Round the loop. Up and down. We went underground for the first time at Hammersmith. And we were still on course for the loop, minus Russell Square, which we would have to do later. We got to Ealing Broadway. And we had a quick District connection, but it said that the train on platform eight would depart first, so we got on it. We got a green signal... and then the board changed to the non-existent train on platform seven. Thankfully, it was indeed platform eight, and we were back on track (no pun intended).

         9:24
         What's that, Rhys? You haven't done the Hainault loop yet? No, which is why we're going there now.               43/270. #FART

Hashtag of the day then: #FART. It stands for "Fantastic August Race around the Tube". And for Andrew, the event referee (the FARTER), Epping was his last toilet stop of the day (although we didn't know that at the time). I had not gone since Chesham and declined to this time around. I eventually went after we'd finished... at Heathrow Terminal 5.

        10:32
        60/270 in 3:42:04. Good start. #FART.

Then it was over to Walthamstow Central. And it was at this point that the first major crisis of the day occurred. Glen and Andrew had left Iain and me for chips as we should have been able to walk Snaresbrook - Wood Street (National Rail station). Iain and me walked it and Glen and Andrew ran. They therefore left us behind. Andrew went back to look for us and nearly missed the National Rail train over to Walthamstow Central.

At Walthamstow Central, we were crowded out on the escalator and missed the first Victoria Line train that departed. This was a setback. Nonetheless, we were determined to make this work. Through King's Cross, and up to Mill Hill East, where the driver of the Mill Hill East shuttle seemed to not give two hoots about what was going on. She sauntered down the platform at both ends, got chatting to the station supervisor at MHE, and therefore cost us a train up to High Barnet.

        11:56
        Mill Hill East, you look lovely in the sunshine. 78/270 and two of the big three done. #FART

                @TheOtherRB replies:

                11:59 @BradleyKelly4
                @TheOtherRB hope you do it Rhys!!

Then, at High Barnet, we had the second crisis of the day. My dad chose completely the wrong moment to phone me for an update on progress. We got on the 307 bus. We got off the 307 bus and started to run to Cockfosters. Glen and Andrew got there and would have made the first train (to Heathrow Terminals 1,2,3, and 5). They held the doors open but on the second attempt Iain was miles back down the road. We therefore lost five minutes waiting for the Uxbridge train to leave.

         12:55
         Oh my gosh. The running. Cough. Hack. Splutter. Cockfosters nightmare. 84/270 in 6:19:53. #fart

Coming down the Piccadilly, we'd seen that the tube drivers now had a countdown clock as to say when they had sufficient space between themselves and the train in front. This certainly was most interesting.

The next move was to take out the pain-in-the-arse stations in Zone One, but at Moorgate, crisis number 3 happened as Iain let us down again. Glen and Andrew made it to the platform in time for the Circle Line, a train ahead of what we were thinking we would get. I got there and probably wouldn't have made it. Iain was nowhere to be seen. Result? Glen on the Circle Line (and getting a bollocking from a commuter), Andrew's bag on the Circle Line (with Glen) minus its owner, me on the platform, and Iain lumbering onto the platform.

        13:38
        Team in two pieces. Shit. 94/270.

               @TheOtherRB replies:

               13:45 @SamYTFC
               @TheOtherRB who have you left behind?

Glen waited for us at Barbican (in a Barbi-woooooorld, life in plastic: it's fantastic!) and we all headed towards Baker Street, which is in the shortlist on platform two for "biggest London Underground gap". Down to the Jubilee and the train made in good time. Up on the Jubilee and, finally, 100 up (at St. John's Wood).

        13:59
        100 up. 103/270.

The next moderately difficult bit came up at Stanmore. We had to make it over to Edgware, and we had a choice of several manoeuvres. Option one was to get out at Stanmore and get the unreliable 142 bus to Edgware. Option two was to turn around at Stanmore, go back down the line to Canons Park and get the 79, 186, or 340 bus to Edgware. Option three was to run to an interim location and get one of the four buses to Edgware. Option one was taken, as, for the first time in my life, we pulled into Stanmore to find that we were the only ones there. It was at this point that my ticket gave up on me. My zones 1-9 ticket for £10.20. My only backup was Oyster.

        14:24
        Stanmore fail. 112/170. 4 min turnaround or bus? Gone for bus.

        14:50
        118! 118! Golders Green.

In and out again, up the Central to West Ruislip. This is a section of tube I don't like. It feels rather lonely and strange and horrible up here. Nevertheless, we were now halfway.

        15:34
        And halfway! 135/270 in 9:02:53.

And up to crisis number four. We got to West Ruislip knowing that we only had eight minutes to run down to Ickenham and make the train out to Uxbridge. I hung back with Iain and then opened the taps for the last three minutes. Glen, Andrew, and I could have, would have, and should have made the train. Andrew jumped out at the last minute to wait for Iain, leaving Glen and me heading towards Uxbridge, swearing that we would kill him later. Quick phone calls and timetable checks later, and it emerged that we would reconvene at Harrow & Wealdstone. By now, thirst and hunger were reaching super-high levels. Uxbridge was quick and easy (despite having to go from platforms one to four).

        16:18
        Uxbridge win, but lost Iain and Andrew on the Ickenham run! 148/270.

                @TheOtherRB replies:

                15:01 (14 Aug) @tractakid
                @TheOtherRB You didn't lose me- I made the train. I stuck around for Iain.

Then we celebrated 150 in style, whizzing (but stopping) through my home station, West Harrow to bring up the 150.

        16:25
        West Harrow, my home station! 150/270. 150 up!

                1 favourite:
                @GeorgeKelly1997

There and back again. At Kenton, a small timetable misread meant that we (Glen and I) had missed the train before getting there. On the Overground train (which we are allowed to take due to the "same rails" rule). Up to Harrow & Wealdstone, and we were finally able to buy snacks, but not for long. My lunch therefore consisted of one packet of Tic Tacs (Lime & Orange) and one Sprite. We saw the southbound pull in and waited for Iain and Andrew. And waited. And waited. The train was waiting for them too. Finally, they made it up to Harrow. Over, round, down, hold doors, and in! We were back as one.

Down, down, down, down, down the Bakerloo, and we went through the world of depression that is Queen's Park station, and underground, not to re-emerge for another hour or so. Naturally, I had to tweet before we went underground. I couldn't think of anything witty to say. I apologise in advance.

        17:15
        I feel a Twitter urge. 163/270.

Down, left a bit, right a bit, left a bit, then up. We then got to West Ham and were heavily relying on the c2c timetables giving us a good connection here. It rained for the only point of the day, and, as we ran past a service board, it had been a good service all day (I had updates coming in all day). We got to West Ham and we realised that the c2c we were on was, amazingly, not stopping at Barking, despite the official London Rail Map saying that it would.

        18:33
        Our spirits are not dampened despite the drizzle at West Ham! 186/270.

In and out of Upminster very quickly as a cross-platform. Amazingly, the train waited at a green signal for what seemed like forever. Why here? Why are we waiting here? Why? It's green, you're late (well, it's the District Line), let's go!

        18:36
        Coming into Upminster already! #FART

As any tube challenger will know, the journey back from Upminster is long, boring, and dreary. Especially when you go further in than West Ham. With Glen logging furiously, we began to wonder about the potential time, bearing mind we still had one of the 'big three' to do, and, arguably, it was the hardest of the lot, at Kensington (Olympia).

        19:18
        We're on the long, slow journey back from Upminster... Teasing the 17 hour barrier. 199/270.

I did plan to tweet about station number 200, except I rather stupidly forgot that station number 200 was underground. So number 200 had to wait to be announced to the world, well, Twitter, until station number 202 at Whitechapel.

        19:25
        IT'S THERE!! THE 200 COMES UP AT BOW ROAD IN 12:50:40.

Then, on, quite possibly, to the worst Aldgate East - Aldgate run ever done. It's possible, on a good day, to run this in one or two minutes. Thanks to the Circle Line, it ended up being eight minutes from train to train. Round one of the Circle Line's 'corners', a sexy Sloane Square (in and out in 42 seconds), and then it started to unravel for us.

Brixton, normally a 30-second in and out job, was annoying, as we did this in a stupidly slow 58 seconds plus a few bemused looks from the station supervisor (considering everyone did this at some point, I can't work out why he looked so bemused!). The whole saga meant that we badly needed a good connection at Morden.

        20:37
        Rise and shine, it's the end of the Northern line. 228/270. Just 42 to go.

After what felt like five years (but was actually five minutes), we caught a bus to go to Wimbledon at the bottom of the District Line. Up the District line (where it was time for me to tweet a bit), then the dreaded station. Kensington (Olympia).

        20:53
        Heading to Earl's Court. Ken O looks dodgy. 229/270. 41 remaining.

        20:59
        I wonder if Australia will be able to match our excellent result at the Oval? 231/270. 39 remaining.

Up the District, and we realised that we'd have one minute to make the Olympia train. Since December 2011, trains to Kensington (Olympia), on a normal day, don't really exist. There are two trains all day. Two. At about 19:50 and 20:50. Trains from Kensington (Olympia)? There are eight all day. Six in the morning - the last one departs at 06:32 - and two in the evening - 19:56 and 20:56. With Guinness invalidating any weekend attempts, there is a saving grace - 'exhibition days' - where trains run every 30 minutes according to the timetable. However, when we got to Earl's Court - bearing in mind that it was an exhibition day - the train should have left at 21:14. Mercifully, we got in with six minutes to spare. Then the train didn't turn up. My least favourite line had let me down again.

        21:15
        Once again, I hate the District line. Olympia is late. Very late. 237/270.

Eventually - a full FIVE MINUTES after it should have arrived, it did arrive. At the other end, though, this meant that our run to High Street Kensington was now nigh-on-impossible. At worst, we would have to wait 10 minutes. Thankfully, the 9 bus came, but could it put us back on schedule? No. No, no, no. No. No. No. No, no, n-n-n-no. OK, I'll stop now. And High Street Kensington was a total cock-up. We waited oh-so-long for a train that never arrived. The train to Edgware Road. Why now? Why run late now, at this time of day?

        21:30
        Double Olympia fail. 238/270.

        21:38
        Hello Olympia train. Just when we didn't want you. 239/270.

After a lifetime at High Street Kensington (which I never want to visit ever again), we finally were on our way to Edgware Road. And the District Line has let me down. Again. I don't know what I did to the District Line to make it so angry and punish me in this way, but I'm sorry. Down the Hammersmith & City Line, and we wondered if the Olympia service was running at 20 minute intervals rather than 30 (at 00, 20, and 40 mins past the hour as opposed to 14 and 44). It could have done - we'll never know.

        22:20
        Once again, no thanks to the District line. 253/270. 17 to go but it's all fallen away since Twatford.

                @TheOtherRB replies:

                22:21 @SamYTFC
                @TheOtherRB Sorry? The tube is far more reliable these days according to you

                        22:24 @TheOtherRB
                        @SamYTFC Yeah, with the exception of Olympia, all our Districts ran to the second.                                              Blame the WTT!

                                15:05 (14 Aug) @tractakid
                                @TheOtherRB @SamYTFC Nonsense. District cost us all of the time we lost.

                                        16:57 (14 Aug) @TheOtherRB
                                        @tractakid @SamYTFC That was the case when I tweeted it.

All we now had to do was Richmond and Heathrow. A late-running Richmond train meant that any advantage that would have occurred on the Gunnersbury - Chiswick Park run was now wiped out, so, to save energy, we went and turned around at Turnham Green. Richmond provided, for me, my dinner (if my 4am pitta bread was breakfast and my Harrow & Wealdstone Sprite and Tic Tacs was lunch), which consisted of one packet of skittles from a well-placed vending machine.

        22:36
        Richmond. 257/270. 13 to go.

Turnham Green, for the second time in the day, was annoying. This is now another station I don't like, however, we took the opportunity to reminisce about the day, and, at this point, we discovered...

        22:49
        We've just realised that some of us haven't been to the loo since Chesham! 258/270. 

        22:59
        Yeah, Turnham Green, you look nice, but we've been here far too long. 258/270.

                @TheOtherRB replies:

                23:23 @palkanetoijala
                @TheOtherRB come on finish I'm sorry you won't beat palkanetoijala but eh you beat other                              Rhys to completion
                
Down to Heathrow, counting down the stops. 11. 10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. 0. DONE.

        23:53
        We are done. 270/270 after 17:18:18. Great first effort.

                @TheOtherRB replies:

                12:37 (14 Aug) @TheManOnTheTube
                @TheOtherRB Well done mate, fucking gutted I couldn't come along :(              

I later won the inaugural "Bladder of Steel" award for 2013.

We later found out that Geoff had terrible trouble at Mill Hill East and bowed out.

World Record, here we come...                        

STATS:
Started: 06:30:12
Finished: 23:48:30
Total Time: 17:18:18
Record Deficit: +0:49:05
Number of people: 4
Stations: 270/270
Current configuration leaderboard placing (i.e. since 2008): 21st

Looking back in hindsight: 1997 UK General Election

On the face of it, "Election '92" will be regarded at Labour Party headquarters as "the one that got away". John Major returned against all the odds at the election with the largest ever popular vote in history - over 14 million - amassing 41.9% of the vote for the Conservatives, down just 0.3% on Thatcher's third in 1987. Labour had risen by 3.6% on 1987. It was a swing of just 2% to Labour, far away from what the opinion polls predicted. Immediately Neil Kinnock was blamed for being over-confident in a rally in Sheffield a few days before the election (the now-infamous "We're all right!" speech, whereupon he was introduced as "the next Prime Minister: Neil Kinnock!"). Indeed, the BBC, ITV, and Sky predicted that there would be a Hung Parliament, but John Major ended up with not only an overall majority, but a workable one at that. John Smith was elected as Labour leader in 1992.

The inter-election period's opinion polls were decided by only one thing (primarily): Black Wednesday. The Conservatives collapsed from an opinion poll surge, and Labour took the lead and kept it. Nothing much changed between 1993 and 1997 (aside from a Lib Dem spike in 1993), even when John Smith died and Tony Blair took charge.

On 17 March 1997, John Major got out his soapbox and called the election for the first of May 1997. Could he pull off another 1992? On the face of it, it was going to be difficult; Labour had a 27-point lead in March 1997. The election campaign was a rather strange one. There was loads of negative campaigning from the Conservatives tied in to the extremely positive situation Britain was in at the time (New Labour, New Danger). Labour simply didn't really do anything, but underlined their non-existent-campaign with the song "Things Can Only Get Better". The Liberal Democrats capitalised on one poll which said 50% of the country would vote for the Liberal Democrats if they thought they had a chance of winning.

Conservative Broadcast:

Labour Broadcast:

Liberal Democrat Broadcast:

Our reaction to these broadcasts:

Conservative: With the benefit of hindsight, nearly all of what they say is true. I would have liked more promoting of the Conservatives. Damn scary, though!

Labour: I'm pretty sure everyone knows how to vote. I wonder who Tony Blair voted for.... it's in Peter Shaw's constituency!

Liberal Democrats: Really, John? 50%? It wouldn't necessarily mean a guaranteed Lib Dem victory. Labour could (in theory) amass the other 50% and beat you.

So, on came Election night.

The Conservatives were hopeful as they had closed the gap from 27 percentage points behind to "just" 10. You couldn't blame them for being hopeful: Kinnock, remember, lost from 24 percentage points ahead. The polls closed at 10pm, and the exit poll was revealed: Blair will be Prime Minister with a "landslide likely". The exit poll had Labour on 47% (+12%), the Conservatives on 29% (-14%), the Liberal Democrats on 18% (+/- 0%), and the others on 6% (-1%). The 29%, if it were true, would be the worst result for the Conservatives since 1832 (no typo!). The ballot boxes were raced to Sunderland South, the Conservatives were still hopeful, Labour were celebrating in the background whilst John Prescott was telling David Dimbleby that "we still must be sceptical", and the Liberal Democrats were quietly confident of taking some Conservative seats away. Peter Snow had thought Labour had it sown up already: "It would have to be terribly wrong for John Major to win! [...] These are all the red Labour MPs vulnerable to a Tory swing - needn't worry about them, I don't think." Millions turned off - Labour might have sown it up already. 

Peter Snow (on the right) looks taken aback at the exit poll's prediction (from bottom left to top right). 

A glimmer of hope for the Tories comes about, though. There was a recount at Stirling, Michael Forsyth's seat, just #7 on that list. It came to nothing. Labour had 190 seats before John Major could get 10. Elsewhere, gain after gain after gain came about (with a Con Hold here or there), until, at 03:13am, Tony Blair amassed the 330 he needed. Even the fifth-safest Conservative seat went to Independent Martin Bell (later to be held by George Osborne).

I mentioned Harrow West in an earlier blog, so there is just one more thing I want to mention. Enfield Southgate. Michael Portillo. He lost to Stephen Twigg on a 17.5% swing. A kick in the Tories' teeth, as Portillo was being touted as new Conservative leader until he lost. 

The final results:

Seats:

Labour 418 (+145)

Conservatives 165 (-178)

Liberal Democrats 46 (+28)

Others 21 (-4)

Votes:

Labour 43.2% (+8.8%)

Conservatives 30.7% (-11.2%)

Liberal Democrats 16.8% (-1%)

Others 9.3% (+3.4%)

LABOUR MAJORITY OF 186.

Next time: 1992.