How to become a socialist

Follow this easy step-by-step guide and you'll be out of Downing Street in a flash!

Step One: Find a safe Labour seat and get elected.

Step Two: Find an MP in your party with similar views to yours and try to form a relationship.

Step Three: Shout at the Conservatives for cutting taxes.

Step Four: Get onto the Labour front bench (and try to drag your mate along).

Step Five: Don't lose your seat in the next election.

Step Six: Shout at the Conservatives for cutting taxes.

Step Seven: Swear at some Labour Party staff.

Step Eight: Where an exit poll produces a hung Parliament whereupon the Conservatives have the largest number of seats, claim that Labour should be in government.

Step Nine: Take all the credit for when the Conservatives change their leader.

Step Ten: Go to a restaurant with your mate - and agree that in the next leadership election, only one of you will stand.

Step Eleven: Accuse the Conservatives of being weak and divided when your party is even more weak and even more divided.

Step Twelve: Hire some celebrities to say 'vote Labour'.

Step Thirteen: Punch a voter.

Step Fourteen: Claim to get rid of boom and bust.

Step Fifteen: Where an exit poll produces a landslide for Labour, claim that 'we'll have to wait and see'.

Step Sixteen: Try to make up soundbites in your speeches.

Step Seventeen: Use television game shows as your debating arguments.

Step Eightteen: Raise taxes.

Step Nineteen: Spend, spend, spend.

Step Twenty: Suck up to the EU.

Step Twenty-one: Spend, spend, spend.

Step Twenty-two: Raise taxes.

Step Twenty-three: Get into bed with the US.

Step Twenty-four: Gently remind your mate about your deal in step ten.

Step Twenty-five: Sheepishly follow the US into a war.

Step Twenty-six: Get re-elected.

Step Twenty-seven: Pester your mate about your deal in step ten.

Step Twenty-eight: Shout to your mate about your deal in step ten.

Step Twenty-nine: Execute the deal.

Step Thirty: Nationalise left, right, and centre.

Step Thirty-one: Cause a bank of your choice to fail by nationalising it.

Step Thirty-two: Read out lists of countries to every answer at PMQs.

Step Thirty-three: Make a global recession worse than it needs to be.

Step Thirty-four: Lead the world out of recession and leave Britain behind.

Step Thirty-five: Increase the deficit ten-fold unnecessarily.

Step Thirty-six: Pledge to cut the deficit.

Step Thirty-seven: Call a voter a bigot.

Step Thirty-eight: Where an exit poll produces a hung Parliament whereupon the Conservatives have the largest number of seats, claim that Labour should be in government.

Step Thirty-nine: Get friendly with the unions.

Step Forty: Pledge 'trade union freedom'.

Step Forty-one: Pledge to introduce the great firewall of China Britain.